• Coping skills sometimes make the problem worse.
• Emotions hold the wisdom to know who we want to be.
• Coping strategies can be great for calming yourself enough to act on what your emotions are telling you.
Have you ever heard of children born without pain sensitivity? It’s a scarce condition that only affects around 100 people worldwide. It sounds pretty good at first; you could walk on hot coals without feeling the burn, swim in below 0 waters, and childbirth would be a breeze. This doesn’t mean that you wouldn’t experience the physical effects from these experiences, like the burns from the coals, the hypothermia from the cold water and the potential rips from birthing a whole human, it just means you won’t feel the pain.
This means that the children were poking their eyes, biting their tongues, and breaking bones and not realising what damage this was doing to their bodies. There was little stopping them from harming themselves because they lacked the internal pain ‘alarms’ telling them to ‘stop pocking your eyes’, ‘stop biting your tongue’, and ‘stop walking on a broken ankle’ Their internal pain system failed them, and it produced a lot of anxiety moving forward for both their families and them.
This might seem dramatic, but it shows how much pain can benefit us. It also shows us the grey area between positive and negative emotions and the benefits and cons of both. Pain is uncomfortable but every emotion and feeling serves a purpose; good or bad. It is better to go through life listening to the innate wisdom these feelings send us instead of doing activities that numb us from receiving it.
Good and bad emotions
Our society, generations before us, and ourselves deem certain emotions such as happiness and joy, as ‘good’, and others, for instance, anger, anxiety, and guilt, as ‘bad’ We use coping strategies to lessen to effect that the ‘bad’ ones have on us. A coping strategy is ‘an action, a series of actions, or a thought process used in meeting a stressful or unpleasant situation or in modifying one’s reaction to such a situation’
Labelling our emotions as either good or bad can prevent us from listening to our emotions and honouring them. When we lose touch with our emotions, we lose touch with who we want to be. We want to see emotions as a resource and not as an obstacle.
If you decide you want to steal something from a shop, the feeling that would normally turn up after would be shame. Shame turns up when we have done something that has gone against our personal and core values. Does that make the feeling bad? If we label this feeling as bad, we will try to make the shame go away. We did something wrong so we should feel shame to not do that again. When we have acted on this message and feeling, the feeling will usually then subside.
Shame sends a message of ‘I am a bad person’ and thus you should remind yourself of your values and the person you want to be, despite what you have done.
Fear sends a message of ‘I need to protect myself from some threat’ or ‘I am vulnerable’ and you need to ask yourself ‘What can I do to protect myself and feel safe?’ Making yourself safe and/or reassuring yourself that you are safe can help the feeling subside.
Anger turns up when you have been wronged, hurt, or threatened. Ask yourself ‘Has a boundary been crossed?’ ‘What is being threatened?’ ‘Is there something I can do to take care of myself?’ Take a deep breath or 2, set a boundary and move out of the threatening situation. You can then express yourself calmly and this will help the feeling go.
When are coping mechanisms good?
The word ‘emotion’ is derived from the Latin word "Emovere" which means to stir the sentiments or in other words, movement. Emotions are meant to pass through the body and coping mechanisms can prevent this. However, coping mechanisms are a great way to reduce the feeling enough to then act on it.
Therapies such as Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT) encourage distraction for those suffering from heightened emotions and then teach skills to become aware and understand your emotions to then act on resolving the problem.
What if I can’t resolve the problem? What if it’s out of my hands?
For instance, if you have a lot of anger originating from an unhealthy/toxic boss but you are unable to leave that workspace yet. What do you do? There is a happy medium between acting on emotions and completely repressing them and that is to find active peace, combined with living a life that you love and value. Using willingness to make space for that emotion will help you more than pushing them away. Recognising and making space for emotions help us to take steps towards resolving the issue at hand, which causes less suffering than repressing them.
What If I don’t know what the emotion is or know where it’s coming from?
Instead of using logic to resolve the emotion, take care of the emotional backlog first. Take note of the physiological sensations coming up to note what emotion is. For instance, anger increases our heart rate, blood pressure and respiration, as well as body temperature. Find ways to reduce these before acting on the emotion and exploring what it is telling you and where it might be coming from.
Also, be observant of secondary emotions. The solution to this is to explore deeper into the emotion at hand. Are you angry because you have been hurt? Hurt usually comes from sadness. So addressing the sadness usually resolves the anger.
If you would like someone to help you through using your emotions to your advantage and be less willing to push those emotions away, you can get in touch with me today!
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